Only a Step

Nova Earth 2398My beloved guide said the other day that forgiveness was a step along the path. We go beyond forgiveness when we drop all our resentments and have no further issues.

In the same way, the love of a man for a woman, or vice versa, or the same gender for itself, is similarly only a step along the path.

I’m not meaning to offend anyone. I mean this as a study of what’s accurate and not accurate, not of what “should” or “shouldn’t” be.

What we seek from another person cannot be gotten from that person. I think that’s an accurate statement. It can only be gotten from love itself.

And I think there’s no substitute for each of us experiencing the kind of transformative, unconditional love I’m relating to. It cannot be conveyed to another or wrapped up and delivered. We each have to find it and experience it for ourselves.

But that transformative love contains within it every feeling I associate, for example, with love for a woman. It receives and conveys the sexual. It receives and conveys the intimate, the fondness, the personal.

I’m in love with love. I’m worse than bitten. I’ve been devoured.

Love is what I’ve always been seeking, without knowing it. I’d never have guessed a year ago that love was what I was looking for. Even peace is within it.

Love contains within it everything else. I’m sure of it.

Once marry love and you’ll never want for anything else. That’s how it shows up for me now.


Excursions into Awareness

Mystical treeLove has broken through the lava dome and burst forth in all its splendour. Everything about me that held love back has been surrendered.

The cap having once been breached, I put no further impediments in the way of love.

I release everything that is not of love.

Everything about me that formed my identity, my constructed self, I throw into the volcano of my heart. Let the flow of love incinerate it.

I risk ridicule and ostracism for forgetting everything about me that constituted “me.” But at some point someone has to make the experimental excursion, the voyage of discovery. And that’s my self-chosen job – excursions into awareness.

I Believe in Love

cropped-mystical-392.jpgI’m certain that love is the answer to all our problems. Love has to become better known to our world. We have to make friends with it instead of misunderstanding it and misusing it.

The heart of every person is a volcano of love. A Krakatoa in the beginning but then a Mauna Loa, sending forth a volcanic cloud that incinerates illusion.

Love is transformative. That’s implied in saying that it dissolves all knots in consciousness.  It’s a solvent of illusion and ignorance. Just as awareness is.

I am myself the volcano. I am master and commander of my own volcanic heart. On my inbreath I take in streams of love from the centre of existence and on my outbreath I breathe that love out into the world in a flow that dissolves illusion and ignorance and makes space for … more love.

If love were to dissolve all there is, all would return to love.  Of love there is no end. Everything else is, in the end, impermanent.

I not only believe in love. I am love in love with itself.

All that is subjective in me directs all that is lingeringly objective in me to love love. Until nothing objective remains.

A Sense of the Sacred

Mom 2I said yesterday that I don’t have a sense of the sacred? What am I saying? I have a sense of the sacred.

The sacred is what reduces you to tears. The heartfelt is the sacred.

I made a sacred vow to my mother, the day my father socked her so hard she crumpled to the floor. I said I can’t help you now, Mother (I was perhaps eight), but I will some day.

And out of that vow I became a museum historian, responsible for the collective memory of my country.  I launched a drive at the National Museum of Man to bring in artifacts which showed our society’s stereotypes of men and women. Man towers over woman. Woman wears apron. Man is strong. Woman is beautiful.

The resulting collection was huge. The full story is there for the ages. Mission accomplished.

After that, and also out of that vow, I studied to become a Sociologist specializing in gender issues. The vision I had in 1987 of the soul’s journey from God to God prematurely ended my participation in university.

Out of that same vow, I became a human-rights decision maker in refugee claims and showed a distinct systemic bias in favor of women. That was one for the Gipper!

That vow had me sit through endless stories of rape, humiliation, and destitution.  Years and years of writing decisions designed to set a precedent in this whole area of refugee law, to lend authority to gender claims. Days and days of shaking off the trauma from hearing what I was hearing.

It’s that same sacred vow that will have me, as soon as I can after the Reval, begin funding women’s groups around the world to end gender inequality and the persecution of women and children.

I hunger to get started. It’s cruel and unusual punishment to ask us to stand by for one more day when so many people are getting harmed in our world – and I know about it.

I’m crying now as I write. I know the sacred.

The sacred is what you’d die for. And it’s what you live for.

Your memory is sacred, Mother. And my vow to you is sacred.


You Can’t Have One Without the Other

Mystical 392What’s the difference between universal love and unitive consciousness?

Ahhhh, no difference, right?

I can’t imagine a person loving everyone and not feeling at one with them.

I can’t imagine a person feeling at one with everyone and not loving them.

But that’s not to overlook the obvious fact that unity and love go together. The more united we become, the more loving we become. The more loving we become, the more united we become. The two seem to be symbiotic.

And the trend of their symbiosis is ever more towards the One who is all Love.

How tempting it is to make up some male/female analogy – the male wanting to unite and the female wanting to  love.

Why not? Isn’t that how all the teaching devices were shaped, such as seeing God as having become Father and Mother? The Mother birthing the universe? The Father implanting his seed (the Self, the Atman, the Christ) in the Mother’s womb?

Are Jesus’ parables not all teaching devices – landlords, servants, fathers, children? So why not a male wanting to unite and a female wanting to love?

At times when I feel the most umbrageous love that I’m capable of, “I” am completely lost in it. And everyone else becomes lost to me too in any kind of culturally-meaningful way. Those are the times I come closest to realizing our unity.

But being a lone wolf, unity doesn’t come easily to me. I may concentrate on universal loving and meet the unitive people a little further down the road.

You can’t have one without the other but you can choose which to start with.

I think I choose universal loving.

Nothing Stands Up to Love

Dad 11Seeing that I’ve become my Dad, which I saw a few days ago, has assisted me to understand him.

I see that I simply copied his patterns unquestioningly and used them without noticing and imperceptibly.

I became him, so to speak, through constant repetition of the ways he had of having his way, none of which worked.

I’m convinced that Dad copied the ways of my grandfather, who was a difficult person to be sure.

The fact that Dad did so much growth work but never saw his own patterns is not uncommon in the growth movement. Growth was slow in those days. And, looking back, I can see that the major insights often escaped people. I’m still coming upon them today, which is forty years after Cold Mountain Institute. (1)

Anyways, just as all issues disappeared when I removed the self-inflicted arrows I had driven into myself through my own resistance, resentment and revenge, so now, understanding what Dad may have been all about by seeing it in myself has freed me from my intense hatred of him.

But it leaves me with my shadow side, the dark side of myself, which is, or was, belligerent, direct, forceful, and unsparing.

Andrea says that I’ll need to love it if I’m to be free of it. I believe it.

Since what I’m experiencing more of these days is unconditional love, I expect that this issue too will simply disappear as all the others have. Nothing seems capable of standing up to love.


(1) The three-month resident fellowship I did at Cold Mountain, Cortez Island, B.C. in 1974-5.

Either the Object or the Barrier

perception-collageWhenever one opts for a big project, no matter what it is, one gets either progress or an obstacle.

And at the time that one opts for it, usually what one gets is the obstacle.

In an Enlightenment Intensive, one sets out to answer the question “Who am I?” and one either gets a realization or the barrier.

Only very, very seldom does one get a realization. Usually one gets a barrier and that may continue through the whole of the course. To be sure, we go away with fewer barriers but full-blown realizations are somewhat rare.

When one finally decides to go for unconditional love or an end to hunger on the planet, one is almost immediately beset with the obstacles.

I personally am committed to being in unconditional love permanently and, immediately upon saying that, an osbtacle to being there arises.

The obstacle is a behavioral reaction pattern I’ll call, after Werner Erhard, “resist, resent, revenge.” It’s a protective device and what it says about me is that I protect myself when I feel under attack, about to be hurt or harmed, etc.

It’s purely a pattern I picked up from my father, who picked it up from his father, etc.

Once through resist, resent, revenge, I’m sure I’ll watch another pattern arise.

Oh, look. Here’s a feeling of belligerence towards others, defending my quiet space from invaders, flashing “leave me alone” to the world. My “edge.”

The hope is that eventually all patterns will be experienced to completion and released. Or given to the Divine Mother directly and incinerated. Or torched with St. Gemaine’s violet flame. Whatever works to allow us to walk out of a jail of our own making.

I’d then be left in the space and peace of unconditional love with no further obstacles. That’s the plan.

One can think of this process as”purification,” polishing Plotinus’ statue, touching ultimate emptiness, etc.