I see that I simply copied his patterns unquestioningly and used them without noticing and imperceptibly.
I became him, so to speak, through constant repetition of the ways he had of having his way, none of which worked.
I’m convinced that Dad copied the ways of my grandfather, who was a difficult person to be sure.
The fact that Dad did so much growth work but never saw his own patterns is not uncommon in the growth movement. Growth was slow in those days. And, looking back, I can see that the major insights often escaped people. I’m still coming upon them today, which is forty years after Cold Mountain Institute. (1)
Anyways, just as all issues disappeared when I removed the self-inflicted arrows I had driven into myself through my own resistance, resentment and revenge, so now, understanding what Dad may have been all about by seeing it in myself has freed me from my intense hatred of him.
But it leaves me with my shadow side, the dark side of myself, which is, or was, belligerent, direct, forceful, and unsparing.
Andrea says that I’ll need to love it if I’m to be free of it. I believe it.
Since what I’m experiencing more of these days is unconditional love, I expect that this issue too will simply disappear as all the others have. Nothing seems capable of standing up to love.
(1) The three-month resident fellowship I did at Cold Mountain, Cortez Island, B.C. in 1974-5.